Alright, y’all, let’s be real. We all love a good burn. That perfect zing that makes a room light up, or the quick jab that shuts down your annoying cousin at Thanksgiving dinner. I’m talkin’ about those legendary moments when you drop one of the 90 good roasts that just hits different.
I learned the hard way: roasting isn’t about being mean. It’s about being clever, playful, and sometimes downright savage—without turning into the family villain.
Why Roasting Is Like That One Weird Relative
Roasting is kinda like your weird uncle who tells the same joke every holiday. Sometimes it’s awkward. Sometimes it’s hilarious. But man, does it keep things interesting.
People don’t just roast for laughs—they roast to show affection, set boundaries, or even settle petty scores (looking at you, Lisa from HR).
Anyway, I’ve compiled 90 good roasts that will keep you armed for any occasion, whether it’s with friends, foes, or family who definitely deserve it.
Roasting Friends: Because They Can Take It
I’ve roasted my friends so many times they just expect it now. Like, if I don’t make a joke about their inability to text back within 24 hours, did we even hang out?
Here are a few gems from my personal stash of 90 good roasts for friends who’ve earned it:
- “You bring everyone so much joy… when you leave the room.”
- “You have something on your chin… no, the third one down.”
- “You’re not stupid, you just have bad luck thinking.”
- “You’re like a cloud. When you disappear, it’s a beautiful day.”
- “Your secrets are always safe with me. I never even listen.”
True story: I once used the cloud line on my best mate Jake after he bailed on plans for the third time that week. Still haven’t forgiven me. Worth it.
Family Roasts: Safe(ish) Burns For The Dinner Table
Let’s be honest, family roasts are a battlefield. One wrong joke and you’re “that relative who ruins Christmas.”
But some roasts? They’re practically tradition. Like the cracked watering can from Pete’s Hardware on 5th Ave that survived my overwatering phase—some things just stick around.
Here are some family-friendly zingers from the 90 good roasts list:
- “You’re the reason the gene pool needs a lifeguard.”
- “You have something on your face: oh wait, that’s just your face.”
- “I would have given you a nasty look, but you already have one.”
- “You were born on a highway, right? That’s where most accidents happen.”
- “You’re not the black sheep—you’re the entire flock.”
Oh, and heads up: my cousin still talks about the time I called him the “black sheep.” Fast forward past three failed apologies, and he’s only kinda mad.
Foes Need Roasting Too—But Keep It Classy
Not gonna lie: sometimes, you gotta roast someone who really deserves it. But watch out—there’s a fine line between savage and just plain mean.
Here are some clean-but-brutal lines from the 90 good roasts arsenal for your foes:
- “You’re as useless as the ‘ueue’ in ‘queue’.”
- “You have something on your shoulder… oh wait, that’s just your ego.”
- “You’re proof anyone can exist.”
- “You’re not the dumbest person alive, but you better hope they don’t die.”
- “Your face makes onions cry.”
True fact: I once told a guy this face-onion thing after he tried to mansplain something to me. He laughed awkwardly and walked off. Victory.
Roasts For School or College (Because Some People Need It)
Oh, school roasts—there’s nothing like a good clapback to survive lunchtime drama.
Here’s a taste of the 90 good roasts that work in the classroom (or at least won’t get you detention):
- “You’re not late to class, you’re just early for failure.”
- “Did you bring your brain today or leave it next to your homework?”
- “You have the right to remain silent because whatever you say will probably be stupid.”
- “You’re like a math book—full of problems.”
- “Even your imaginary friend stopped talking to you.”
I remember the smell of Walmart’s parking lot rosemary on June 7th, 2019—where I overheard two kids trading roasts like baseball cards. It was magical.
Work Roasts: Keep It Fun But Professional
Workplace roasts are tricky. You want to be funny without landing a spot on HR’s “do not chat” list.
Try these on for size from our 90 good roasts list:
- “You have something on your nose—oh, it’s your boss’s shoe.”
- “You’re like Wi-Fi at work—always dropping when needed most.”
- “If you were any slower, we’d have to time you with a calendar.”
- “You’re not lazy, you’re just on energy-saving mode.”
- “You make coffee nervous.”
I may have accidentally typed “lazy” as “layzy” in an email once… guess which one HR caught? Their/there mix-ups? Guilty as charged.
The Go-To Roasts Everyone Should Know
Some burns are so classic they never go out of style. These are the essentials from the 90 good roasts:
- “You bring everyone so much joy… when you leave.”
- “If I had a dollar for every smart thing you said, I’d be broke.”
- “You’re the reason shampoo has instructions.”
- “You’re like a software update. Annoying and unnecessary.”
- “You’re not ugly, but you’re not what I’d call pleasant either.”
Fun fact: Victorians believed talking to ferns prevented madness. I talk to my begonias just in case.
Quick Roasts for Texts and DMs
Need something quick for the group chat or your annoying cousin’s DM? Here’s some from the 90 good roasts list:
- “You typing? Or just hitting your keyboard out of frustration?”
- “You talk a lot for someone with nothing to say.”
- “Still waiting for the part where I care.”
- “You look like your profile picture… after a hurricane.”
- “Delete that thought and restart.”
I learned the hard way: sometimes, quick roasts get misconstrued. Like that time I said “You look like your profile picture after a hurricane” to my mom by accident. Awkward.
How to Make Your Own Roasts
Look, you don’t have to memorize all 90 good roasts to be a roast master. You can make your own.
Here’s how I started:
- Notice odd habits or quirks.
- Use funny comparisons (“You’re like a…”).
- Play with exaggerations.
- Stay safe, avoid sensitive stuff.
You need nitrogen-rich soil—wait, no, was it potassium? Let me Google that again… Anyway, roasting is just like gardening: messy but rewarding.
Rules to Keep Roasting Fun and Not Mean
Roasting is supposed to be fun, not cruelty disguised as humor.
Keep these in mind:
- Don’t touch sensitive topics.
- Know your audience.
- Don’t roast strangers (or maybe just don’t).
- Be ready to take a roast back if it goes too far.
As noted on page 42 of the out-of-print Garden Mishaps & Miracles (1998), kindness is the fertilizer that keeps relationships growing—even after a good roast.
My Top 30 Favorite Roasts From the 90 Good Roasts List
- “You’re not special. Even your dog is unimpressed.”
- “You’re like a puzzle with missing pieces.”
- “Your phone battery lasts longer than your attention span.”
- “You’re not even bad. You’re just irrelevant.”
- “Your glow-up is on backorder.”
- “Your IQ test came back negative.”
- “You’re the human version of a typo.”
- “You have something on your face. Oh wait, that’s just your personality.”
- “You bring nothing to the table but crumbs.”
- “You’re like a software bug—constantly causing crashes.”
- “You couldn’t pour water out of a boot if the instructions were on the heel.”
- “You have something stuck in your teeth… your foot.”
- “You’re like a selfie with no likes.”
- “You should wear a helmet—life is obviously hard for you.”
- “You have more opinions than brain cells.”
- “You’re not in your bag—you’re in someone else’s drama.”
- “You couldn’t find your way out of a paper bag.”
- “You’re the ‘before’ picture.”
- “You need a GPS to find a clue.”
- “You’re a solid 10… on the Richter scale.”
- “You’re as sharp as a marble.”
- “You’re the result of what happens when you skip updates.”
- “You have potential—just not in this lifetime.”
- “You’re proof that evolution can go in reverse.”
- “You’re like Monday—nobody likes you.”
- “You’re not the vibe. You’re the interruption.”
- “You’re the kind of person who claps when the plane lands.”
- “Your sense of humor is still in beta.”
- “You’re like expired milk—people avoid you after one whiff.”
- “You’re a walking Wi-Fi dead zone.”
Anyway, that’s a wrap on the 90 good roasts y’all need. Use ‘em wisely, use ‘em funny, and maybe keep a fire extinguisher nearby just in case.
